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Tribute to Diana ...
 (copyright © 2012 by Towne Square America™)

Part Three of Celebrating a Life Together.

• Overview, Diana Going to Spain
• A Marriage in Spain ... Two Lives Become One
• It All Worked For Many Reasons (this page)

It All Worked For Many Reasons ...
by: Bil. Alvernaz (05/02/2010)

What follows is a collection of “bits & pieces” of the varied works Diana and I have put together about how we look at marriage and being together ... and all of this is what became a part of “Gravity,” the collected “works” we put together in celebration our 30th wedding anniversary in 2000 ... so it is all right “here,” unabridged and complete with a ton of our favorite photos!

Spanning five decades (not to mention two millenniums) and seven Presidents, this marriage began when the average income was less than $10,000 a year. A new house was in the $30,000 range and leaded gasoline was 30¢ a gallon. In 1970 the war was still "on" in Vietnam. M*A*S*H and Patton were popular movies.

It was a year when the Dow Jones Average reached a record high of 663.20. Unemployment hit 5 percent (the highest since 1965). Postal workers went on strike in March as the Army attempted to deliver the mail. Auto workers started a 67-day walkout in November. Baltimore beat Cincinnati in the World Series. This was also the year the first electronic editing terminals for newspapers were introduced (and they were not “well received” by hardened newspaper reporters). This would become known as beginning of the “computerization revolution” of how people would write and how information would be prepared, stored, as well as retrieved, and delivered. No one had any idea of what this “computer stuff” would ultimately lead to ... and neither Diana or I had any inkling that I would end up right in the middle of it all helping build the TurboTax empire (making the program an enduring #1 favorite and the voice of tax preparation software) and helping Microsoft pioneer the Internet ... all as I became specialized in Human-Computer Interaction, web development, content management, and communications (internal and external) ... while always being “the writer” at heart, first and foremost.

Over the course of more than a quarter of a century leading up to the end of a Millennium and now ten years into the new Millennium ... and after watching the rise and fall of so many marriages and relationships, Diana and I truly feel we have (and continue to) set an example of what makes a marriage work . .. we like to think of it as “the standard!” It isn't about money, status, owning things, making yourself look better at someone else’s expense, or even sex. Marriage is so very much about the key elements of respect, sincerity, and trust -- and, most important, doing all you can to be there for the other person as well as making the each other feel special. You need to always, always, always be right there for each other -- just like the vows say,

"In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer."

Father Don Francisco put it this way when he said to Diana and me during our wedding ceremony, "You must now eliminate 'I' 'me' and 'my' and replace them with 'us' 'we' and 'our'." That creates the atmosphere for two people to work together to lift each other up and not let anyone’s spirit get trampled upon. Diana and I have approached everything as a team (as one) - never competing, having one common “pot” (money-wise, no separate bank or bed accounts), and doing what we always felt was best for us, not what other people thought (or insisted or tried to bully) should be done.

Here is a quote we really like:

"Marriage is a boat ride with barely enough room for two where you can glide peacefully when the waters are calm. What you have to watch out for are all of the unexpected rough spots, amid raging torrents, with no end in sight. The secret to making it is all in paddling together in the same direction."

As of July 11th, 2010, it will be 14,610 days we have had together ... while looking forward to all of the days yet to come that we get to spend together!

Someone else once said, “Marriage is like a long, dull meal, with dessert served first!” Well, for us, we’re still having dessert ... LOTS OF DESSERT every single day!

Here’s another quote:

"Chains do not hold a marriage together. It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years. This is what makes a marriage last - more than passion or sex!"

FRENCH ACTOR, Simon Signoret

And, though, because everything came off so flawlessly and seemingly effortlessly, everyone thought Diana and I had quietly and carefully planned to get married, we were the first to admit things just sort of happened. Despite a chaotic pace to do "a million things" in such a short period of time, we pulled off a memorable event ... one still being talked about all these years later by those who were there. The theme of "simple, but elegant" carried on from our wedding to become one of the binding threads in the rich, textured fabric of our lives.

Before and after the wedding we lived in a one bedroom apartment at Callé Nicaragua No. 17 (fourth floor) in the heart of Madrid. We lived there until December when Diana headed home to California ... I would be getting out of the Air Force not long thereafter. By January we were in Fresno where we would live until May of 1976 when we would move to Ukiah. During that same month, from Diana (and the “heart” of her name) came Ian on Sunday, May 23rd - early in the morning hours.

We moved to Santa Cruz in 1978 and then to Salinas in 1979. In the Spring of 1981 we moved to Santa Barbara. November 1985 saw us moving to Bellevue, Washington. In February of 1987 we moved to Livingston, California. In October of 2000, we moved to the Austin, Texas, area.

We’re proud of all we have done in reaching yet another milestone. And, we are certain many of the best vignettes in Life's Theater are yet to come.

"Two such as you with such a master speed
Cannot be parted nor be swept away
From one another once you are agreed
that life is only life forevermore
Together wing to wing and oar to oar."

THE MASTER SPEED, Robert Frost

Gravity!

We had talked about it for a long, but it wasn't until the summer of 1999 on our vacation in Kauai that we started jotting down notes. We just wanted to put down on paper what we have learned about each other, life, and, well, everything else in between. It was just a coincidence (or maybe it really wasn't) that we ended up deciding to publish something we would call “Gravity” to http://alvernaz.com  to celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary. We had had alvernaz.com since I first snagged that domain name in the “early days” of the Internet (before anyone had any idea what to do with web sites) ... and I’m so glad I did because ever since then  Diana and I have had the same email address which is our first name and last name with a “@” symbol in between. And, along with that we have always had our online presence at alvernaz.com.

The reason we chose the word “Gravity” is because we look at being together as some kind of force (i.e., gravity or strong enough to be like gravity) magically holding two people together. And, in life you are drawn to or repelled from people based on whatever that force might be (howsoever it works or doesn’t work or could or should work, whatever that means). People will be drawn (pulled in) to who the two of you become as your relationship evolves. The most important factor above everything else is that the “gravitational pull” that holds the two of you together remains in tact. And, trust is the single biggest thing binding it all together enter twining all of what happens into the fabric of your life. Once you lose gravity in your relationship, it is over. And, together,  the people you “pull in” because of the dynamic force fields of your gravitational properties, well, those are the people you want to spend time with. The people who “come and go,” not really being attracted by (and, well, really repelled by) the force of your gravitation, well, that’s really a self-correcting/adjusting situation, because you are probably much better off without them being around to muck things and your relationship up!

Whatever combination of factors, fate, chance, and Lady Luck, brought Diana and me together, we both know we are quite lucky to be living the life we have lived. And, just as we did when we wrote "Raising a Child People Will Like" (when Ian was five years old), we now want to share what we know and have learned about spending a lifetime together. We don't think we have all the answers, but we do know we our perspectives and attitudes have made a difference (not only for us, but others). We aren’t putting all of this information “out there” for everyone to agree with us, but we feel all of this information and perspective will lead to discussions that people just might not otherwise have had ... and, hopefully, it will lead to one of the things we think is most important in life ... and that is to pay attention!

As we have zoomed on through the first decade of this sparkling, brand new Millennium and then on to that special day marking a major milestone, we wanted to share "elements" of what we call "GRAVITY." We first did this in honor of our 30th wedding anniversary. We were going to wait until the actual date of our anniversary to do this, but then we decided that there was no reason not to start launching "Gravity" in November of 2000-1 ... and then, from thereon out, we continued publishing the elements of “Gravity” to alvernaz.com as we wrote them. It is important to note that we were so ready for the Millennium that all through the 1990s we wrote the date as “2000-” however many years it was until the Millennium would “hatch upon us.”

I wrote something for our 25th Wedding Anniversary in 1995 that we still feel is more relevant than ever. This was at a time when I was working as part of Microsoft’s Windows95 and MSN (Microsoft Network) Teams. I couldn’t be with Diana on the exact date of our 25th anniversary because I was working at Microsoft as we were getting everything ready for the worldwide launch of Windows95 that would be coming up in August. Diana and I both agreed it was too much of an opportunity for me to miss, because it would be an experience most mere mortals wouldn’t ever get to participate in (and learn from). So we celebrated our 25th anniversary the week before and after the actual date.

Here is what I wrote to Diana in a special card I created for her:

Diana, We know each other so well
We can easily read each other's _________.

We can fill in the words to
to finish each other's ___________.

So now we can spend less time
__________ and more time ___________!

And, now, what follows are the key components of “Gravity” ...

Two people together should be a love story that doesn't fade or flicker once the newness wears off. While things will definitely change over the course of a collected combination of the hours, days, and months all totaling up to years, without exception, if you have found true love - that one special person - then everything else will always remain secondary.

When the right set of circumstances comes about, being together is effortless and so enjoyable you want time to stand still. Being apart makes your heart ache, so much so you can't wait to be together again. The intensity of such love gets stronger and better, glowing brighter, with each new day … mainly because it has more to do with passion instead of lust. Whenever you have "free time," it shouldn't even be a question of what you are going to do, other than be together. Why waste time "doing other things" or being pulled and pushed toward what amounts to diverse distractions by others, when you can spend some time together doing what you want to do in the company of each other?

Ignited by infatuation, fused by love, tempered by "finding the way" together, strengthened by trust and carefully honed over time, the union of individuality grows to become one. Each person maintains distinctiveness, while continually reinventing and shaping a togetherness into an evolving force capable of overcoming any and all impediments. Each person's strengths bolster the other person's weaknesses (neither of which should ever be exploited, used for gain, or "played to").

Marriage (or any strong, solid relationship) is, without exception, "being there" for each other … taking care of each other, making the other person feel special (especially at the most unexpected times). It is somehow knowing what is needed without a word being spoken. It has been said that there is that one person - a soul mate - for you in life. You just have to somehow find that person, all in sync with that person finding you … and when you do find each other, it is magical to the point of being intoxicating.

The framework in which the "business" of a marriage is conducted alternates between six reference points: a ballet, an opera, the symphony, interludes, center stage, and so much of what goes on (or doesn’t go on) behind the scenes. All of this is interspersed among various and assorted headaches and heartaches (most of which are self-induced, but most often not "owned up" to) mixed in between flashes of brilliance and fits of stupidity.

Just as a ballet is a series of movements, so is a marriage. It is that special cadence and rhythm you develop walking together or how you can so easily (and instinctively) hold hands (most of the time without ever looking). It is even the carefully synchronized turns and choreographed roll-overs during a long night's slumber - all without so much as a poke in the eye or a punch in the nose (well, most of the time, anyway). All of the dozens and dozens of combined movements in a marriage should effortlessly provide a momentum to constantly propel the two of you forward together to reach the same destination ... as opposed to people who work against each other pulling in opposite directions.

The symphony aspect of a marriage is all about the harmony of intellect and mutual interests. Sour notes are bound to occur, but the single most important operative in such instances is looking closely at what didn't work (or should have worked), NOT looking for where to place blame. Fix whatever is wrong and then move on without being a sponge to “sop it all up” personally. It is the intent of your sincerity that matters most, not what seems to "look good" solely for the sake of appearance to others so you’ll feel better about yourself.

Conflict enters a marriage in the form of the most dramatic opera where the interplay of relatives and friends (right down to the "singing" in overpowering tones) almost always seem to be right, smack-dab in the middle of something you a) are doing; b) are about to do; c) don't want to do; d) want to do; or e) should have done. A simple equation that resolves any ensuing "issues" is that of simply removing the "relative" factor(s) while simultaneous ignoring an avalanche of "friendly advice!" You know in your heart (and "gut feelings," too) what is specifically and exactly right for the two of you ... what is right, fair, and honestly true. If you go with what you know is right, you'll do just fine. And, you'll eliminate so many of the regrets (woulda, coulda, shouldas) that manifest themselves as the end result of doing what others talked or bullied you into doing. And, you know at any point “things go bad” (most often from what others told or ordered you to do), it will be those same individuals who will immediately throw their hands up in the air and let you, completely on your own, deal with whatever resulting circumstance(s) occur!

Interludes and Center Stage are the heart of a marriage (and your life) and they are the determinant factors in the "making or breaking of things." All of the private moments together are the interludes that combine to reinforce the strengths of a marriage … or they provide the sum total for it unraveling (especially when the interludes become few and far between). Whatever you have together during interludes is greatly magnified at those points where "all eyes are upon the two of you" center stage in the Theater of Life.

Taking center stage isn't an everyday occurrence (if it is, that can thrust upon you a humongous negative force with the single intent/result of driving two individuals in completely opposite directions), but whatever is right (or wrong) in your marriage will be greatly magnified and accentuated at those moments.

And, even when things are going great for the two of you, there will be those individuals lurking in the shadows (more so than you think) who are jealous of who you are and what you have. Such characters, who are mostly sinister and devious, will "work hard" in various and assorted ways to "undo things" any way they can. Rule of thumb #1 in life: those who pretend to be the most innocent (most often shrugging their shoulders as they defend themselves with the all-purpose statement of, "I don't know anything about it.") are definitely the culprits, best described as "reprobates with multiple faces."

The “ behind the scenes” aspect of any marriage or relationship could be looked at as the undercurrent or undertow that is a combined set of forces (usually manipulated by people who say they are looking out for your best interests, but really are, more often than not, seeing what they can get out of the deal) in an interplay of so many things that just go on in your life (whether you are aware of them or not). And, it is the behind the scenes stuff that usually results in either serendipitous things that can be incredibly good or horribly bad. All six reference points in a marriage are in a constant state, swirling all around you. The secret in dealing with all of it (even what you don’t even know is going on or might happen) is to PAY ATTENTION!

Over the course of "being married" there will be countless interludes, center stage, and behind the scenes moments randomly sprinkled across a memoried collection of slightly complex scenery and subdued landscapes spattered and splashed amidst episodes of flashes of brilliance and fits of stupidity. The trick to surviving it all (and thriving) is in always, always, always doing what the two of you know is right for both of you. Forget what everyone else says (or tries to bully you into doing). Doing things to please others sets the stage for court rooms and lawyers (at which point you can definitely forget about “working things out” ... you see, by then it won’t be in any certain party’s interests to resolve things ... and, well, Gravity will have ceased to exist ... at least for that relationship).

Time, sex and money are three critical components of marriage. There will never be enough of any of them (and we won't even get into how much of each gets wasted). That's where the "balancing act" comes into play. Remove one or more of those numerators from the equation and you are doomed. Time is the toughest one of the three to "manage" or get a handle on (whatever time actually is that we so arrogantly think we can manage, manipulate, or even figure out what it is, should be, or can really be used for). Money will turn out to be like the tides, ebbing and flowing. And, then there is, well, you know, SEX. That's the wild card in all of this. Once it becomes a weapon or tool of manipulation, you can pretty much "turn out the lights" when you leave the room of marriage for the den of affairs, the backyard sideshows, and other “get even” distractions ... all while you slowly, but surely lose complete control of Gravity ... to the point of needing to sit down on a regular basis so you can try to catch your breath to maybe handle all of the incidents you’ll need to deal with that you never even imagined would happen!

Sex is really the cornerstone that solidifies everything and "holds it all together" in certain ways that all have to do with “urges.” When sex disappears (or reaches the point where you can't remember the last time it happened) everything else that made the marriage special will have dissolved (whether you want to admit it or not ... or even realize it).

That said, a marriage "shored up" with underpinnings of just sex and/or money will, over time, become unstitched. The substance that bolsters a marriage comes most certainly from sparking the intellect - intellectual stimulation. When things click between two people that intellectual stimulation will be obvious (just as obvious as when there is no "there" there in a marriage or relationship). The glimmering, shimmering residue from a marriage fused on two intellects in harmony is where the wit, whimsy and fancifulness combine to create a noticeable standard for the way things ought to be with two people ... and all without so much as even trying. You can't make this happen. Effortlessly, it just happens to happen when it happens ... and, you’ll just know, on several levels (conscious and otherwise) when it is (and ISN’T) there.

What makes a marriage work is also what can cause it to disintegrate. All of the magic and intellect that makes things come together - if that isn't there, then there is no marriage. What you have instead is an illusion of marriage that really becomes nothing more than a convenience when necessary for either or both parties to a) be used as needed, but b) not be bothered with when one or the other chooses not to be inconvenienced. We’ve seen it all where marriages deteriorate into “roommate status,” because it would involve too much or just be an inconvenience to do anything about whatever it is that is no longer there.

It's a delicate balance of dozens of factors (some large, some small - the small ones being those that really come back to bite hard on your intellect ... and arse).

Listed below are what Diana and I feel are the most important aspects of what makes a marriage work. Remove one or more and there are sure to be problems – all of which eventually "add up" to simply nothing, totally the complete dizziness and disorienting loss of control over Gravity.

The factors that need to "be there" for everything to click in a marriage:

• Communication (stop talking and it is over).
• Trust (single most important factor – you should be able to trust your life to the other person, without the slightest hesitation)
• Respect
• Honesty
• Working together
• Doing things together
• Making decisions together
• Helping and supporting each other
• Mutual Interests (and needs)
• Passion (without this, forget about it!)
• Making the other person feel special
• Spending as much time together as possible
• Romantic getaways
• Vacations (getting on a plane, flying far, far away, and going somewhere for an adventure)
• Flowers, surprises, and laughing
• Fun - lots and lots and lots of fun stuff
• Unpredictability (as in spontaneously doing special/fun/crazy things)
• The "little things" that you never seem to have enough time to do together

If you start wondering what's wrong with your marriage (this is true for any relationship) that is the same as a loud buzzer letting you know “something just ain’t right!” It might already be too late to do something about it at that point ... especially if you have been “wondering about it” for a long time. And, forget about counseling … that only makes the person you let muck up your life even more so get rich while draining your emotions (and bank account). Remember, if you don't continue to have problems, "those people" won't have you "on the hook" to keep coming back and coming back. And, whenever "hanging out with the guys" or "girls night out" gets to be too "regular of a thing" then you need to start looking for where things went wrong in your relationship ... and it never ever a one-sided situation (remember “it takes two people to tango!”). This is true any time there are regular and extended absences – for whatever reason(s).

Perhaps the best format for marriage would be a one year contract, that is renewable at the end of the year, provided both parties agree to it. There would be provisions for everything in terms of "dividing things up" and "what happens with the kids, pets and property." That way, if it does all come to an end, you'd never need to visit the nastiness and insanity of "Lawyer-Land" - an amusement park of “wild rides,” nightmares, and despondency, all wrapped up in obscene lawyer’s fees. Also, by knowing a marriage would be renewable annually, it would tend to motivate individuals to "do more things" to stay together. The fact that a marriage could so easily be ”evaporated” would make the ones that last all the more special. If true love is involved, then you really don't need any kind of "binding paper" or certificates (except for the "legal matters" aspect of the real world). And, as a matter of fact, each year going into our anniversary, Diana and I do have “discussions” about whether or not we want to renew our wedding contract ... so you see, we’re setting yet one more example for how things should work! Oh, and, we have, indeed, decided to “give it a go” for yet another year - #41!

And, as I mentioned above, when Diana and I got married the priest said, "You need to replace I, me and my with us, ours and we." That, combined with a theme of "simple, but elegant," set the tone for how we would live our lives together. We both feel those two things pinpoint the single most significant factor in being together - looking at things from the perspective of one entity.

We also set a basic rule of "Holidays at home” when our son, Ian, was born. Anyone was more than welcomed to visit us for the holidays, but we always got to enjoy such special days without the need to travel anywhere beyond our living room. Looking back now, Diana and I both feel this was one of those "smart moves" on our part and it had great impact on creating annual traditions, improving the overall quality of our lives. There was always a consistency to holidays and richness in our lives (that lives on now all of our memories and photos). Instead of being nomadic gypsies, traipsing around to various and assorted relatives' houses, we set down roots wherever we lived and we were a family together. That made a high difference in our Art of Life.

But what is the real, true secret of a marriage working?

It is, quite simply, the two individuals being and working together for each other.

It is the interplay of maturity and wisdom. It is caring about each other and being able to express those feelings in as many possible ways, unconditionally and whenever needed. When one is down, the other one "picks spirits and things up."

A marriage is belief in each other and expectations of knowing the other person will always be there … no matter what! As each hour, day, week, month, year, and decade goes by, you both build upon that solid foundation.

There are no excuses, no reasons, and no exceptions. A marriage that works is a direct result of two exceptional individuals who have come together to honestly share their lives (and everything else that happens - good or bad). It is simply nothing more and nothing less.

Working together is what provides the "staying power" of a marriage. Approach everything as a team - never competing, having one common pot (money-wise), and doing what you feel is best for the two of you, not what other people think (or insist) should be done.

Two people come together, bringing diverse backgrounds that are then blended into one, maximizing their intersecting paths and then converging to head in the same direction. Heading in the same direction (as simple as that sounds) is a critical factor in terms of people "ending up" together and growing together. It is sharing your lives. It is being together. It is the comfort of solitude together. It is the warm feeling of making each other feel special. It just is - and it is priceless because of that. If it is a true marriage, then each one knows that without the other person there would be unbearable emptiness.

Marriage isn't a way of life - it IS life!

Oh, and one last point: Forget about a plan! Direction and goals, yes. Hopes and dreams, yes. But a plan? NO! There will be far too many factors "at play" to ever have a "full (fool?) proof" plan. Unexpected "things" and "little surprises" will seem to come from out of nowhere (not really … mostly because you just weren't paying attention). Being flexible, innovative, inventive, and creative along with improvising, will be required to "head in the general direction" you were looking to go. Once you come to understand that (and it takes a LONG TIME to "get it"), then the two of you – together as one – will be able to handle anything at all.

Oh, and there is much more to come, because we will soon be leaving Austin for who NOSE where ... stay tuned/tooned!

You can email Diana at diana@alvernaz.com ... and you can always, any time, any day (or night) email me at bil@alvernaz.com ...

One final, very important note ... while all of this was written as a tribute for, to, and about Diana on her birthday,  it is dedicated to the nicest, caring, most sincere, helpful, kind, genuine, “real deal” person who is always, always there for us ... Linda Ash, Diana’s sister. It is such an absolute joy to have Linda in our lives! She is there for us whenever we need her (just as we are there/here whenever she needs us) and we love our visits with her ... and we look forward to all that is yet to come in our solid gold relationship with her and Bob.

To return to either of the previous two parts of this Saga, just click below:

• Overview, Diana Going to Spain
• A Marriage in Spain ... Two Lives Become On