It’s All An Illusion?
 (copyright © 2012 by Towne Square America™)

Features on this page:

(04/01/2010) Reportage and analysis by: Benjamin Kensington Waterloo

The Presidential Top Hat

Washington, D.C. - The Presidential Top Hat - It’s a tradition that goes all the way back to Abraham Lincoln (maybe even earlier ... no one knows for sure because of the secrecy surrounding this tradition). No one knows how it started or who came up with the idea, or, most importantly, who figured out how to make it actually work.

While no one has yet figured out where the Top Hat comes from, here is what Towne Square America™ staff members (and some well placed government “operatives”) have learned. Each political party running for office is quietly given a Presidential Top Hat in secrecy (and many people believe this all goes back to a Masonic “rite” that was instituted by George Washington). The hat never really ever was worn by many Presidents, except by Lincoln, although he wasn’t wearing it that fateful night at Ford’s Theater.

The design of the hat is, well, magical. There are no records or accounts of just how this type of hat is manufactured or even where it comes from, but using the hat is what sets the presidential candidates and presidents apart from other “mere mortals.” And, the incredible and amazingly amazing results of “pulling rabbits out of hats” has been well documented for Presidential Candidates as well as Presidents ... especially for the seemingly impossible “feats” they “pull off!”

So, here is how is how the Presidential Top Hat works. When an impossible situation presents itself or something spectacular needs to happen, the person (candidate or President) in possession of this magical hat need only reach in and pull out a rabbit. The rabbit is then released to disappear off to where there is an abundance of carrots ... or so the story goes ... no one really cares about what happens to the rabbits ... the key point is the result/benefit of pulling each rabbit out of the hat. But, the “pulling out of the rabbit” is what leads to Presidential Candidates as well as Presidents getting attention or  “making news.” It really isn’t all that difficult. They just need to reach into the hat and pull as hard as they can and then stand back a) to let the rabbit find his (or her) way to the multitude of carrots); and b) to watch something totally unbelievable happen.

There is one mitigating factor here, however. And, it happens to be the only “wild card” in all of this. No one really knows how many rabbits are in each hat until there are no more to be “pulled out.” And, you can’t tell how many rabbits are in each hat ahead of time, because, well, after all, this is magic! So with a fixed number of rabbits in each hat and no one knowing just how many rabbits can be pulled out each hat, it is somewhat like making wishes where you don’t know how many wishes will be granted. The “down side,” of course, is that just at the point one might need to pull a rabbit out of the hat, there just might not be any more rabbits to be pulled “outta there!”

Sadly, since this is political in nature, no one really thinks about those kinds of details while they are “reaping the benefits” of the “pulling out” of the rabbits.

In many cases, Presidential Candidates and, most certainly, Presidents exhaust the supply of rabbits BEFORE they ever even finish campaigning, let alone reaching office (if, indeed, that does happen). John F. Kennedy didn’t use his hat until election day and he wasn’t wearing it, nor did he have it with him, that fateful day in Dallas, Texas, in November of 1963.

While many magicians have duplicated, by slight of hand, pulling rabbits out of hats, this Presidential Top Hat really does work magic ... the only thing is one has to wonder just how many more rabbits are left in the current Presidential Top Hat!

(4/01/2010) Reportage and analysis by: Don Diego de la Puerta

Sarah Palin’s Analyst

Somewhere in America (not Alaska) - Sarah Palin’s Analyst! We, here at Towne Square America™, have uncovered an exclusive, journalistical gem that relates to a story no one covered either during the Presidential campaign or what has unfolded since. While there was much talk and coverage (much of which was “manufactured news”) devoted to Sarah Palin and her lack of experience and/or knowledge (and now her celebrity), the real story that everyone (even FOX news or lack thereof) seemed to have missed, Towne Square America™ has learned that Ms. Palin sees a Psycho Analytic / Holistic Counselor and Spiritual Advisor on a daily basis. Most of her “mistakes” and the seemingly stupid things she continues to do stem directly from the advice given by this Advisor.

Upon digging deeper into this story, Towne Square America™ staff members have uncovered dozens of confidential memorandums (recovered in “public places” such a dumpsters and trash bins) relating to what actually transpires during the “analytical sessions” Ms. Palin has with this Advisor, where on some days there are as many as fifteen conversations (many done remotely via Skype connections ... we have obtained video copies of these sessions, too). While all of this might be interesting from several different perspectives the REAL STORY here is that on the day after the McCain/Palin ticket failed to win the White House, the McCain team found out that the Advisor Ms. Palin was seeing all throughout the campaign (and whom she still sees now) is, indeed, a Democrat and strong supporter of Barak Obama.

When questioned about this by McCain, his staff assured McCain that they had put just as much effort into checking out the Analyst as they did in determining that Palin was the absolute best choice for a running mate!

Now fast forward to Fox Corporate Headquarters where this information is really news, but, of course, you’ll never hear about it on Fox, because, well, you know, Ms. Palin is now an “analyst” of her own magnitude and stature (at least in her own mind). That people think Ms. Palin is doing this all on her own, well, that is yet another story in and of itself.

While Towne Square America™ cannot reveal how it came about the following information (because of Shields Law that protect Journalist as well as people who call themselves Journalist), here is the verbatim transcript of a session from two days/daze ago between Ms. Palin and her Analyst, Professor Jacobee Quarkfard:

The office is dimly lit with New Age music in the background ...

PJQ: So? How are you today?

SP: I’m still nervous about always trying to sound like I know what I’m talking about when I’m running out of room to write crib notes on whatever is handy. I just found that the bottom of my shoes works well for interviews when I’m sitting down and I can cross one leg over on top of the other one. But it is hard to bend my foot just enough to see what I’ve written. And, then, if I have walked a lot, well, it kinds screws up everything because letters and entire words are missing.

PJQ: What is it that you are trying to say when you speak? I ask this because I can’t ever make any sense out of it when I “tune in” to see what you are saying.

SP: Well, frankly, I have no idea. Those are just catch phrases that are supposed to “rile up” the crowd. I just put ‘em all together every which way, based on how much the crowd responds ... if they respond.

PJQ: Rile ‘em up for what?

SP: Hell, I don’t have the faintest idea. I’m just getting paid to talk! So I talk, saying what I think is going to sound good based on what the people paying me seem to want.

PJQ: How can you be sure what they want?

SP: I don’t really care. I’m just making a lot of money which is better than the Governor Gig. Now that was a lot of work!

PJQ: What can I help you with today?

SP: Well, I’m expected to go “on air” tonight to give yet another analysis ...

PJQ: And?

SP: Golly, it has reached the point where I have made up so much stuff that sounds good at the time and, gee whiz, now I can’t keep track of it all, let alone figure out what I’m going to say about something I don’t know anything about.

PJQ: Hmmmmmmmmm ... that’s kinda how I feel right now.

NOTE: the rest of this transcript is not available because the bugging device was in the lamp that Ms. Palin threw at her Analyst.

(11/01/2008) Reportage and analysis by: Bil. Alvernaz

The Debate We Never Got to See

Heart of America - So let's talk debates (if you want to call “working in” as many canned, pre-written sound bites as possible debating) ... here is what we should have done for the only Presidential Debate that would have been necessary:

We now cut to the Bonneville Salt Flats of Utah. Both Presidential candidates have been "dressed up" in roly-poly sumo wrestler outfits. The same has been done for both Vice Presidential candidates. The four of them stand facing each other, keeping their balance as much as possible, in an open "ring" area, surrounded by well over 10,000 quasi fans / voters / curiosity seekers / fortune tellers.

An amplified voice says, "Let's get ready to rumble," and then explains that the last person standing will be proclaimed President of these United States; AND that there really are no rules, other than to remain standing. That last person standing, now the Presidential choice by “combative superiority,” shall then pick his or her Vice President. There will be no need for an election ...

The bell rings and the contest begins. Obama kicks McCain in the leg and knocks him down. McCain is now ruled OUT!

Obama and Biden both go after Palin who, because she is in such good shape, runs circles around them. Biden quickly starts to tire, so Palin leaps in the air, pounding her sumo belly against Biden. Biden is bowled over in a heartbeat and he is OUT as he shakes his head trying to come to his senses. But, wait! Palin grabs Biden's ankle and she starts whirling around. She lets go of Biden, who is now crying, "Mommy!" Biden crashes into Obama who goes down hard, complaining all the way to the ground that the rules weren't specific enough and, thus, we need to have a "do-over." Biden is "out for the count!"

"No way," says Palin to Obama as she picks up her moose gun, and helps McCain up, who seems to have fallen into a slumber, murmuring something about, "I'll get him. I'll get him." "We won this here contest fair and square," said the now President Palin. At this point McCain says, "So? What? I'm now the Vice President?"

Palin flashes that now famous grin and shakes her head ever so slightly and says (right into the camera), "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!" Palin then realizes this is REAL LIFE and, in a comforting tone, of course, slowly says to McCain, "Honey, you have been the Second Fiddle all along! But, hey, I'll let you hold the gavel every once in awhile!"
And, so, as the sun sets and the crowd disperses, except for those wanting Sarah's autograph, Obama and Biden start "mapping out a bold, new plan" by scribbling in the windswept salt flats. The words "Taxes" along with several indecipherable math formulas start fading as fast as they write them. Tina Fay winks at Sarah as both walk off to become even more famous!